H.O.P.E. junkie

H.O.P.E. junkie..

HOPE…a word loaded with expectations, faith, belief, dreams, sanguinity, a secure existence, desire, intuition et al; inevitably lead to a baneful denouement – despair.

Knowing the false security you are bluffing yourself into, you heavily depend on your dosage of hope. Consistently indulging in a game of tomfoolery with your own emotions, you ascend and descend the ladder of hope; playing hide and seek with prolonged moments of melancholy and ecstasy.

Hope is addictive.

Sometimes a head rush while daydreaming; an Elysium of broken dreams and mushrooming expectations; a vision of rendering a concrete shape to cotton-candy hope. Unseal your eyes and poof! Hope evaporates.

Pleasurable moments of indulging in alleviating melancholy. A prick from a needle, the thrill, the immediate acceptance of pain. Hope churns up a mediocre mix of stinging hurt and discourteous pleasure. It unceremoniously deludes you into believing that the Elysium you built in your conscious mind will take form. Dragging you to the edge, and send you rolling down a ceaseless vacuum.

They say to hope junkies - “If you never try, you’ll never know”. It’s a little complicated to assess whether “trying” is worth the agony and the resentment. If you rise from the ashes and the trance of hope, you’d be the phoenix that resisted apocalyptic addiction; else hope would crucify you nevertheless.

Hope is a lethal drug. Slowly erodes the sense of self, devouring and consuming the spirit, it disintegrates your essence, desire, vigour, will and strength to live a nonchalant life. It raises a human wreck which corrodes into oblivion!!

Time, effort, spirit – melting, vegetating, broken...

You’re a decaying pile of debris
You’re burnt out on hope
You’re a h.o.p.e junkie…

Wasted…

h.o.p.e…
An easy word
A convenient shield
A betraying illusion
An idyllic trance

A soaring tower of
Belief
Faith in serendipity
Afloat in paradise,
No different from the delusional
Eden’s utopian spread…

A wasted routine
An impulsive addiction
Carcass of broken spirit

Tightrope on hope
Hurt you will,
Out of the blue
Into the black…

The pain might fade
Erased it will not be

…Coming back to hope
A vicious cycle…
A perfect mockery
The joke’s on you.

Pinion of enslaving illusion
Pinnacle of self-destruction
h.o.p.e.

...malady returns

Fierce battle

A broken trench
Cold silent combat

A Machiavellian foe
Artful
Crafty
Equipped with
Aesthetics of guile
Crossing swords
Raking sore past…

Attacking the
Achilles heel
An acid sting
Raw
Agonizing
Spiteful
Malicious

The bugle resonates

Armour unfastened

Almost to rest
Fading
Hidden
Tranquil
No more remorse

Combat neurosis

Malady stings again…

Another vain attempt
Unrequited repose.

boHemiAn BullcRaP cAnvAs

18th Sep'06

Phenomenal absurdities…relentless discovery…rules in the book…transgressions…observing …silence…headrush…nostalgia…an instant shot of pain…release …ecstacy…habitual smiles...cacophony…finding yourself in a crowd ..stars...lost in narrow spaces…beacon lights…addicted to the pursuit…conditioned to wander aimlessly…it’s never over ..chases and chases …a constant pirouette, the gyre keeps unfurling beneath you...

a bohemian hangover ...

19th sept'06

ennui ....alas!!...sigh ..the bourgeois subdues a revolution ..the capitalist slavehouse can be extremely anal!!!

washed down in quicksand of contradictions and substitutes...retrieve the debris.

12:49 PM: wandering soul defies to be subdued.
an urge to quit
quit the obvious
quit the past... the present.

Glass in front, reflects ambiguous truths.. a mirage of barely visible forms;
A sea of obscure forms brought from the past to the foreground
into the glass they mingle with barely visible forms...
The glass tells an array of stories
Clock strikes...
It's a different story.

20th sept'06

Lukewarm day ...stable existence …where’s my beer?

Highpoint of the day: nothing changes :(

21st sept'06

wasted state the morning after...
arrgggh...hangover and slow day at work ...lethal!!!!!!
brain collapsed...detest it!

25th sept'06

juxtaposing euphoria and apathy...
a messed up cognizance, it remains...
a parasitic dependence
a familiar sinking feeling.

29th sept'06

"I gave a weak smile; he came close and put an arm around my shoulders; I clung to him and wept quietly. The warm physical pleasure of tears running down my cheek. What a relief! It is so tiring to hate someone you love."
- Simone de Beauvoir"